Joey Pantoliano
I was making my latest movie, Canvas, where I play the husband of a woman with schizophrenia. My research, and the experience of making the film, got me thinking about myself.
Several days before we started shooting, I talked to a friend of mine, Charlie, who actually married my wife and me. He told me a few jokes, we planned on Thanksgiving, and then two days later my wife called to say he’d committed suicide. There was no indication that it was coming.
Charlie was the guy you went to with your problems, he was the guy that always cheered you up. I got scared when Charlie killed himself because I had complete apathy about what he had done. I didn’t realize that subconsciously, I wanted to check out. I kept thinking about the peace and comfort that would come to me if I didn’t exist anymore. Why should I exist? I wasn’t a help to anybody. I’d already gotten everything I ever wanted. All I ever wanted to do was be an actor, all I ever wanted to do was be successful.
I got all of those things. Here I was, winning an Emmy award for a role on one of the best shows that television has ever produced (The Sopranos), and I couldn’t feel good. I couldn’t feel the love of my children or the love of my wife.
The movie really helped me know that I had to talk to somebody about my behavior. I started see a psychiatrist, who told me, “You have clinical depression. It’s caused by the wiring in your brain. You have nothing to do with it.” It was a liberating feeling to know that it wasn’t my fault- I wasn’t doing anything to cause this.
I’ve been dealing with it ever since, and my family’s been dealing with it. I like to say I live with clinical depression, I no longer suffer from it. I went and I got help. Now, I do talk therapy, I do exercise therapy, I take medication - which is so extraordinarily helpful to me - and I’ve got my life back.
One Response to “ Joey Pantoliano ”
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April 6th, 2008 at 9:32 am
I caught the show morning on accident as I was scanning thru looking for a another channel, but I saw Joey Pantoliano so I stopped. I think he’s a great actor so I wanted to hear what he had to say…I was surprised to hear that he lives with clincal depression. But somehow it made me feel better, because I too live with clinical depression. Often I feel like a complete outsider no matter where I am or who I’m with because of my illness. I was diagnosed about 2 years ago but ignored it the first year because I was afraid to even go home and tell my husband. I was afraid of the stigma of living with a mental health illness. I finally made peace with it and your show today made me want to take it a step further. I want share this with my familhy and friends. I want to educate people around me and in my community to understand what this is about. Most people are very mistaken by the behavior and the lack of information they have learned. Thank you for going public with your illness. I makes me feel like I can do it too.
sincerely,
barbra